Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Still Not Getting Anywhere

I'm taking Sociology this semester.

Today, we were speaking about socialization, or rather, what brings us into a society. The topic quickly got on how "my generation" (and potentially yours too, I'm completely unaware of the age group of people who stumbled across this and read it) would be the first one to know less than our parents.

My instructor said that a bunch of educators would go online and argue about this. It is, of course, a complete load of bullshit. Anyone in this day and age who is unedcuated is that way because they want to be. Education does NOT just take place at an instituion. You know where I've done most of my learning?

On my fucking couch, with either a book I borrowed from the library or my laptop. I Googled something because, gaspshock, I wanted to know about it! I got a book because I wanted to read about this. And you know what else? Most of the people I know--they do that too!

What a surprise! You don't have to pay two thousand dollars a semester to learn something. I know, I know. It was a weird idea for me too.

Here's the thing; no one I know had the OPTION of going to college. It wasn't "Are you going?" The question was; "Where are you going to college?" Even for my friends who are first generation college goers were pushed and told that education was a big deal.

Sadly, many of them, Mistah Jay included, didn't have unending support from their families. Most of us struggle on our own. We fill out paperwork, we take out loans. I'm twenty one years old, I've never had a credit card, and I'm already six thousand dollars in debt. Let that sink in. All but a thousand dollars of that is on my own shoulders because of school. (The other thousand was the surgery I needed last year for my broken foot. It was walking without a limp, or pay the money. She Who Must Be Kept and I decided walking was important.)

I'm STILL NOT GETTING ANYWHERE. I've been in colege for years and I'm not closer now to being more educated, to being smarter, to having a better life than I was then. I still sleep on my mother's couch. I still don't drive. I still have nothing but debt and a pile of unpublished manuscripts.

One could, of course, argue that this is my own fault. And it is. Because I'm in school. My school schedule does NOT allow for a job. Not with the option of sleeping.

Then the instructor talked about why fewer minorities go to school. He must have missed the luncheon last semester where our dean or president or someone in power who has since disappeared and only is heard of in the monthly newspaper that gets sent to my house said that we are at an ALL TIME HIGH for minority enrollment.

Then he got mad because I said it happens to white people too. In my own family. I'm the only one in college. Minus my cousin who has a baby and keeps dropping out because, you know, SHE HAS A FUCKING BABY. I lost the class when I admitted that I'm white trash.

It is not ANY harder for minorities to go school than it is white people, I don't think. They have tons of scholarships and the options for loans and they get accepted because colleges now have some kind of quota to fill for minorities. Really! It happened at U of M a couple years ago. Everyone took a test, and if you were a minority, you got X amount of extra points.

I've been to classes with PLENTY OF MINORITY KIDS. I'm friends with some of them! You know, it never crossed my mind that they were a minority and I was not. Is that a sign of the times? That I don't look at them and go; "Must be hard for you to be here because of the color of your skin!" I know lots of minority kids who pushed them to go to school because they wanted them to have an education, actually. Just like I know a lot of non minority kids whose parents did the SAME THING.

Actually, I look at EVERYONE and think it must be hard for ALL of them to be here. It's hard to make yourself get up, go to class, do the homework, take notes, show up for exams. All of us face that struggle. Every. Last. One.

It just hurts my feelings because you know, I'm struggling to be here. The instructor then talked about kids not wanting to be here. Yeah, I've been pushing myself taking between thriteen and eighteen credit hours every semester because I don't wanna be here. I've pushed myself to such a state of exhaust and misery that my doctor said; "Don't do this again, you're making yourself sick. This is really hurting you." Because I DON'T WANNA BE HERE!

However did he see through my clever ruse of attendance to know that?

He then stated he wished we'd all eave and come back when we're thirty five. Because then we'd be more motivated.

...Piss off. Seriously dude. PISS OFF. I AM MOTIVATED! If I wasn't motivated I wouldn't show up with a fever and a sinus infection. I wouldn't go on the days when my seasonal affective disorder bothers me and it makes me want to cry to get out of bed. I wouldn't talk, take notes, I wouldn't even be there.

We are ALL motivated because we're THERE. And we're motivated because we don't want to be like the thirty five year olds who didn't go to college the first time around because they got a factory job.

We're there because WE KNOW BETTER.

And for that matter all those "motivated thirty five year olds" I know are rude, selfish, and self entitled. Know why? Because they think they deserve a fucking prize for going back to college. Because it's sooooo much more difficult for them. No, you can piss off too. Like I said, we're all struggling to be here, and yours isn't any deeper than my own.

I'm sure this post will have a contiunation later. I'm still raging. I love the class and the Professor. And I get what he was driving at here, but I don't feel like he had the proper way of going about it.

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