Sunday, June 5, 2011

A Letter to Nintendo

Dear Nintendo,

Recently, I acquired a Nintendo Wii, the system I have been coveting for more than a year. I am a casual gamer at best, and this system seemed to be marketed specifically to my group.

I was elated when I got a copy of Mario Kart Wii as well. Surely this game--THIS GAME would be well and good for me to play. After all, I had played on a friend's Gamecube and had not suffered an aneurysm, nor had I thrown a controller through a window or anything of the sort.

Last night devolved into screaming hysterics from me. After half a dose of my mother's Valium and repeated watchings of The Boondock Saints to settle my nerves, I find myself here on my laptop, writing you this letter. I thought you would like to know about my concerns as a loyal consumer.

1. Why are there blue shells? Why? These are redundant given every other obstacle from hell you put in those magical question boxes.

2. Why are the aforementioned blue shells used more than once in a race? Why is a squid used more than once in a race? I find myself frustrated when I get slammed with a Pow, a shell, and a squid all at once. This is insanity. As a gamer, I anticipate and appreciate a certain level of insanity, but this is on par with Hannibal Lecter. (I do suspect you enjoy Chianti.)

3. I strongly dislike the steering wheel attachment/headache/device from Hell. You cannot properly twist and turn, and instead end up writhing in your seat, much like an epileptic seal.

4. Rainbow Road is the rectum of Satan himself. I know you have painted it so it looks lovely--but no. I am not okay with the fact that if you sneeze, run over an ant, or slightly turn, you fall off the edge. And the fact that you see your character bursting into flames will forever haunt my dreams.

In short, this game could turn me off gaming forever. I find myself thinking day and night of Mario Kart and how I might possibly beat it. I know this is your intent, but it is becoming a sick obsession. My therapist's child is now able to go to Harvard because of me and this game.

Yours Truly,


Friday, June 3, 2011

My Lack Of Posting

School let out on April 29th.

I was on the bus to Ohio on May 2nd.

I was on the bus back to Michigan on June 1st.

So that's where I've been for about a month now. My best friend needed help packing up and moving, and my trip to see her was *so* short over Christmas, we were due for a long visit. It was so nice to see her. I miss her so much when I don't get to see her.

We're getting older now. I used to go down twice a summer. This summer I *have* to get a job since She Who Must Be Kept has made it clear she wants to shut up our house and move down to New Orleans with Croc. I think it's a terrible idea, and I told her why. She agreed, but stated she was going to do it anyway. I'm getting ready to move out this winter anyway.

I'm not a little kid anymore, and I just can't just shirk my responsibilities to go do something more fun, as much as I'd like to. I have to be a grown up and do grown up things. I don't always like it.