Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Please Don't Take A Picture

As I've previously mentioned, I currently live in the house belonging to She Who Must Be Kept (you know, my mother?). This has been precarious at the worst of times, and fine at the best. Which I've always come to consider interesting.

The reasons I live with SWMBK are as follows;
-I don't have a license. I could never afford to get one. Even if I could, we could never afford a car for me, and SWMBK works forty five minutes from where we live.
-I don't have a job. I couldn't afford to pay rent on a place in any case.
-I go to school full time and get free Internet at my house.

In the past three years, I've had two of my brother's boyfriends living with us, been kicked out of my bedroom, been sleeping on the couch, been working my ass off in college, been thrown down the stairs, had all my things thrown out, had my bedroom trashed...

Yeah, seriously.

I am reaching a point where I just don't want to live here anymore. I'm tired of sleeping on a love seat (since I was seventeen. I'll be twenty one in October). I'm tired of everyone my brother asks to live with us getting a free pass, but I still can't have a bed. I'm tired of my things being broken, thrown around, stepped on, and generally trashed ("But if you'd put them away!!!" "...Where is 'away', exactly? I have about four feet of space in this house that's mine.") .

Also, you have to understand the dynamic of my family. My mother is mentally ill, my brother is mentally unstable, there's a big difference that I won't go into right now, and I myself suffer from seasonal affective disorder. I do pretty well in the summer time, but winters get hellish.

"But Taima! Why can't you have a bedroom?" A good question you might ask. Because my brother's ex boyfriend got angry when he wasn't allowed to live in it, he filled it waist deep in garbage. I don't mean like, stuff and junk. I mean honest to God garbage. So my friend and my own ex boyfriend had to come and help me clean it up.

By the time that got done, our ancient ceiling caved in. So every time it rained, water would leak into my room, so a lot more of my stuff got ruined, including my bed. The water wrecked the wiring. So there's no electricity in that room.

At least, this is the reason She Who Must Be Kept has given me. I'm not stupid, and the real reason is; She likes having someone sleeping downstairs with her. She knows if I move back upstairs and our Noise Rule goes back into law, my brother will turn a temper tantrum. She likes having me around to get her drinks, change the channel, answer the phone, take her bowl into the sink, blahdy blahdy blah.

I just want a bed. I just want my own space. I just want to have a conversation on my phone and not have to sit in the bathroom or on a porch. I can't really have them in the living room because She Who Must Be Kept will interrupt every fifteen seconds to ask who I'm talking to, what are we talking about, and try to chime in.

So today, my financial aid went through. Only it was slashed by a thousand dollars, which is a pretty sizable difference. I am now left with enough to pay my tuition, but not enough for books or supplies. When She Who Must Be Kept called me to tell me this, she yelled at me for crying.

And then figured out that it was my fault, because I filled out the FAFSA, using the numbers she gave me. Which I read back to her twice. But okay, yeah, my fault. Only now she seems to be harboring a grudge. Every time I ask her a question, I get yelled at. Is my brother home? YES! Did she have a good day at work? WHATEVER! IT WAS FINE! I quit talking, and then I get accused of sulking.

Winning; I just can't do it.

I'm going to school for a career I'm not even sure is for me. I'm paying money and going to classes for something I'm not really thinking I should be doing. I'm living in a house I can't stand, with people that are slowly devouring my soul.

I don't own much anymore. Two Rubbermaid totes of laundry, a pair of sneakers, a pair of boots, a pair of sandals, perhaps two boxes of books. Maybe another bag of stuffed toys... I could move everything I own in one car load...

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