Thursday, March 10, 2011

Well, All This is News to Me...

She Who Must Be Kept and I had a huge fight today.

Her friend Croc stayed the night the other night. And he then proceeded to keep me up all night long. Granted he was taking SWMBK to work because her car broke (and had to stay because he "didn't think he could wake up". Uh hi, guess what? My days and nights are switched because of my sun allergy. I still get my ass up and go to school and get good grades. If I had a job, I'd get up and go to that, too! He's FORTY TWO YEARS OLD. What kind of grown ass man can't get up on time?!!? ), but I was told too late to call Bubby and see if I could crash there for the night. I suppose him being there didn't really bother me. What really bothered me was the fact that he took SWMBK to work forty five minutes away, turned around, and came back here to go to sleep.

The last time SWMBK left me alone while I was sleeping, I was ten years old. That man then enticed me into bed and was very inappropriate with me. I have a strong dislike for sleeping in rooms with men of a certain age. Frankly, I hate sleeping in rooms with people that I'm a) not friends with or b) not dating unless there's someone there to guard me.

And anyway, Croc has his own house. He has his own place to live (well, he rents a room from people, but still). Why come back here and make it difficult for me to start getting around to go to class? To make matters worse, he muted the television which I use to gauge what time it is, and he broke the kitchen light. And now he can't fix it. Awesome. I love making Hamburger Helper in the dark. Thanks, douche!

I complained to SWMBK. Her response? "But he couldn't sleep at (place he's staying)! There's too much noise."
"So what? So I should not get any sleep after a night of not getting sleep? I don't care that he couldn't sleep at his own house. He's forty two. Suck it the fuck up."

This launched some sort of strange argument wherein SWMBK said that I a) hold the nine hundred and fifty dollars out of my loan money I lent her over her head b)think she's a monster and c) make her feel like a fuck up. Oh, also, there's been tension between us for months, and I've been an emotional wreck.

This is all news to me.

In the first place, no I don't hold the money I lent her over her head. I don't care. What I care about is that essentially, I pay bills here, and I don't get to have a say.

"Well you just want things to be run your way!"
"No, Mom, I don't. I want to have a say."
"See? You want power!"
"Power? Who said anything about POWER? I want to have a SAY!"
"How is say and power any different?"
"Because having a say is having input and power is demanding. I just want a say."
"A say in what?"
"In where I sleep!"
"Well, you didn't say that! You just said you wanted a say." What does it matter what I want a say in? The point is, I pay bills, so I should get a say. It's like paying rent to an apartment building and then having them decide when you should turn your lights off anyway.

And then it turned into how I make her feel like a monster.
"Nothing I do is good enough for you."
"In what way?"
"In that you get upset and I apologize and you're still mad."
"Because something happens, I get upset, and you apologize. That isn't my issue. I appreciate it. My issue is when you then add; "But it's my house." It's like you erased everything you just said."
"Because it's like saying you don't care about the way I feel. It's like saying you could give a shit less. It's like kicking me in the teeth, basically."
"So because I have empathy, I'm kicking you in the teeth?"
"It doesn't feel like empathy when you turn around and say it's your house."
"I'm just stating a fact."

Like hell. When she adds on "It's my house." she means I should shut up and deal with it. She's always said that. It means, when used on me; "I know I'm wrong, but I can do that because I pay the bills." Ah HA, but I pay bills too, right? Apparently that doesn't mean anything to her.

She then said; "What can I do to make you happy!??!"
"Buy me a mattress....? But I'm not even mad!"

As for the tension and being an emotional wreck... I'm not even mad! What the fuck? This has been going on all winter, according to her. What? How? I haven't even been home that much! She cited an incident when she called me while I was at my friend's house so I could *help her fix the remote*.

It was eleven thirty at night. I was across town. I was drinking. I was with friends. And she called, not to see how my day had gone, if I was okay, or to tell me good night. Instead it was; "I broke the remote. Can you remember how to set it."
"No, Mom."
"Well, you wrote down the code."
"I think it's in my school notebook in my bag on the red chair."
"Where in the red chair?"
"RIGHT ON TOP! If you can't find it, I can't help you. I'm not right there."

Tonight, SWMBK told me that had hurt her feelings.
"I feel like I was just inconveniencing you."
"You were. It was eleven thirty, I was drinking, I was with friends, and you wanted me to tell you about the stupid remote. OlderBrother was home. He could have Googled it for you. You have two kids."
"I know that."
"And it REALLY bothered me that you didn't call to say good night. You never do. You call when you WANT something. Something I can't even give you because I'm not even home!"

When I stayed with Mistah Jay at the dorms, I used to call her every night to see how her day was and tell her I loved her and good night. But she never does that for me.

She said that I've done things all winter to make her thing I'm mad at her. But she never brought them up at the time. I can't fix things unless she can tell me what I'm doing wrong. And I don't even think I'm doing things wrong! She DID admit to me that she obsesses over things and makes them into bigger issues.

I told her that when she has issues like this, she has tunnel vision (and right now it's Croc vision. She said she thought our issues went before him, I disagreed. My only issues with her have revolved around him!) so she doesn't see the whole picture. So when people say things, she takes it completely wrong, because she can't see EVERYTHING.

She agreed.

I also told her that a lot of my drama has been with Mistah Jay, and if I seem bothered, it really isn't her.

"And it breaks my heart. You're so upset without him, and I don't feel like you see what a beautiful, wonderful person you are." (But I thought I made you feel like a monster?)
"I know that. I'm just really unhappy without him. And I had a miscarriage in April."
"...You did?"

Pretty much she took back every nasty thing she'd said in that fight when she saw me sobbing about Vivian, whom she referred to as 'It' and not 'your baby', which was bothersome. But she still took it better than what I thought she would.

She then asked why I wasn't currently on birth control. I said not sleeping with anyone was my current method of choice. 100% and all that. Then, this came out of her mouth;
"But what if you're out with your friends and you see someone and they're... You know... Cooking with gas!"

And that, my friends, ended the fight.

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