A Letter to Nintendo

Dear Nintendo,

Recently, I acquired a Nintendo Wii, the system I have been coveting for more than a year. I am a casual gamer at best, and this system seemed to be marketed specifically to my group.

I was elated when I got a copy of Mario Kart Wii as well. Surely this game--THIS GAME would be well and good for me to play. After all, I had played on a friend's Gamecube and had not suffered an aneurysm, nor had I thrown a controller through a window or anything of the sort.

Last night devolved into screaming hysterics from me. After half a dose of my mother's Valium and repeated watchings of The Boondock Saints to settle my nerves, I find myself here on my laptop, writing you this letter. I thought you would like to know about my concerns as a loyal consumer.

1. Why are there blue shells? Why? These are redundant given every other obstacle from hell you put in those magical question boxes.

2. Why are the aforementioned blue shells used more than once in a race? Why is a squid used more than once in a race? I find myself frustrated when I get slammed with a Pow, a shell, and a squid all at once. This is insanity. As a gamer, I anticipate and appreciate a certain level of insanity, but this is on par with Hannibal Lecter. (I do suspect you enjoy Chianti.)

3. I strongly dislike the steering wheel attachment/headache/device from Hell. You cannot properly twist and turn, and instead end up writhing in your seat, much like an epileptic seal.

4. Rainbow Road is the rectum of Satan himself. I know you have painted it so it looks lovely--but no. I am not okay with the fact that if you sneeze, run over an ant, or slightly turn, you fall off the edge. And the fact that you see your character bursting into flames will forever haunt my dreams.

In short, this game could turn me off gaming forever. I find myself thinking day and night of Mario Kart and how I might possibly beat it. I know this is your intent, but it is becoming a sick obsession. My therapist's child is now able to go to Harvard because of me and this game.

Yours Truly,

Taima

Cell Phoning It Up

I go through a lot of cell phones. I realize a lot of people say this, but no, with me it's really true. Perhaps it's because I have a nasty habit of buying cheap phones, perhaps it's because I'm just really careless. Either way, my phones break.

First I had;
The Oystr. This lasted me---ooooh, I think eight months. The screen started freezing, and then I dropped it one night, and the screen never turned back on.

After that, I had the Audiovox. This was a used model, but still served my purposes beautifully. I dropped that one in a sink full of dishwater, and clearly it wouldn't work after that.

I then went and got myself a Marbl, which was slow as shit and made me want to stab myself in the eye. It was only ten dollars though, so I guess it had that going for it? Although not much else.

I then went and got a TNT. This was a fine model, and I adored it. However, my cat decided that I neglected him for the phone, and knocked the phone off a shelf, smashing the screen. Thanks, cat.

After THAT I finally bought myself a Wild Card, on clearance for fifty dollars, which was half off the original one hundred. I've had it for about a year and eight months, which is the longest I've ever managed to keep a phone. But it too is beginning to break from constant wear and tear.

I didn't even get a cell phone until I was seventeen, and I only got one then because I was going across the country to stay with some friends for Christmas. I'm on a prepaid Virgin Mobile plan (and I have had plenty of issues with Virgin Mobile). I pay fifty bucks a month and get unlimited texting, four hundred anytime minutes, and unlimited nights and weekends.

I love my cell phone. I didn't know how much I'd love it until I got it. It's always in my pocket, and I even hate turning it off for class sometimes. What if someone needs me?!? Something terrible could go down in the two hours I'm without it! The world could end!

What is really funny about my phone, though, is She Who Must Be Kept. She likes to get up on her high horse and talk about how SHE doesn't have a cell phone. SHE doesn't need to be plugged in twenty four seven!

But the moment she walks through the door; "Where's your phone? Did anyone call for me? Can I use your phone? What do you mean it's charging!!" So basically, she has a cell phone, she just has be drag it around. And yes, we have had some fights over it. God forbid I use the thing to talk to my friends, right?

Also, she can barely use the thing. She's been known to let it ring while holding it in her hand, staring mystified until it goes to voicemail. "Green button," "...What?" "PRESS.THE.GREEN.BUTTON! For the fifty seventh time! You know what, just give it here. Don't touch it anymore. Okay?"

She also says it's rude to text while I'm out eating, to text while I'm shopping with her, to text while we're in the car.... I disagree with that. I agree that there is a time and a place for texting, and those are all acceptable. If I was not engaging in conversation because I was so entranced with my phone, I could see her frustration. But I'm still talking to her, I'm also just letting someone else know that yes, I'll be home later, or no, I'm not going out tonight, or yes I got the lab report done. I do understand why she thinks that this is all stuff that can wait, but it's annoying to sit and wait for someone to send you a one word reply for over an hour.

I don't think it's okay to text in say, class! I have sat and watched girls text all through a lecture, then turn around and ask me what we were doing. In one class, I just started making things up while the instructor laughed because he refused to help her too if she wouldn't listen. I think she somehow squeezed by. I don't text in the movies. I wouldn't text while driving.

I just don't understand why older people think it's sooooooo ruuuuuuuude to text at all though. Is this a generational thing?