Well, All This is News to Me...

She Who Must Be Kept and I had a huge fight today.

Her friend Croc stayed the night the other night. And he then proceeded to keep me up all night long. Granted he was taking SWMBK to work because her car broke (and had to stay because he "didn't think he could wake up". Uh hi, guess what? My days and nights are switched because of my sun allergy. I still get my ass up and go to school and get good grades. If I had a job, I'd get up and go to that, too! He's FORTY TWO YEARS OLD. What kind of grown ass man can't get up on time?!!? ), but I was told too late to call Bubby and see if I could crash there for the night. I suppose him being there didn't really bother me. What really bothered me was the fact that he took SWMBK to work forty five minutes away, turned around, and came back here to go to sleep.

The last time SWMBK left me alone while I was sleeping, I was ten years old. That man then enticed me into bed and was very inappropriate with me. I have a strong dislike for sleeping in rooms with men of a certain age. Frankly, I hate sleeping in rooms with people that I'm a) not friends with or b) not dating unless there's someone there to guard me.

And anyway, Croc has his own house. He has his own place to live (well, he rents a room from people, but still). Why come back here and make it difficult for me to start getting around to go to class? To make matters worse, he muted the television which I use to gauge what time it is, and he broke the kitchen light. And now he can't fix it. Awesome. I love making Hamburger Helper in the dark. Thanks, douche!

I complained to SWMBK. Her response? "But he couldn't sleep at (place he's staying)! There's too much noise."
"So what? So I should not get any sleep after a night of not getting sleep? I don't care that he couldn't sleep at his own house. He's forty two. Suck it the fuck up."

This launched some sort of strange argument wherein SWMBK said that I a) hold the nine hundred and fifty dollars out of my loan money I lent her over her head b)think she's a monster and c) make her feel like a fuck up. Oh, also, there's been tension between us for months, and I've been an emotional wreck.

This is all news to me.

In the first place, no I don't hold the money I lent her over her head. I don't care. What I care about is that essentially, I pay bills here, and I don't get to have a say.

"Well you just want things to be run your way!"
"No, Mom, I don't. I want to have a say."
"See? You want power!"
"Power? Who said anything about POWER? I want to have a SAY!"
"How is say and power any different?"
"Because having a say is having input and power is demanding. I just want a say."
"A say in what?"
"In where I sleep!"
"Well, you didn't say that! You just said you wanted a say." What does it matter what I want a say in? The point is, I pay bills, so I should get a say. It's like paying rent to an apartment building and then having them decide when you should turn your lights off anyway.

And then it turned into how I make her feel like a monster.
"Nothing I do is good enough for you."
"In what way?"
"In that you get upset and I apologize and you're still mad."
"Because something happens, I get upset, and you apologize. That isn't my issue. I appreciate it. My issue is when you then add; "But it's my house." It's like you erased everything you just said."
"How?"
"Because it's like saying you don't care about the way I feel. It's like saying you could give a shit less. It's like kicking me in the teeth, basically."
"So because I have empathy, I'm kicking you in the teeth?"
"It doesn't feel like empathy when you turn around and say it's your house."
"I'm just stating a fact."

Like hell. When she adds on "It's my house." she means I should shut up and deal with it. She's always said that. It means, when used on me; "I know I'm wrong, but I can do that because I pay the bills." Ah HA, but I pay bills too, right? Apparently that doesn't mean anything to her.

She then said; "What can I do to make you happy!??!"
"Buy me a mattress....? But I'm not even mad!"

As for the tension and being an emotional wreck... I'm not even mad! What the fuck? This has been going on all winter, according to her. What? How? I haven't even been home that much! She cited an incident when she called me while I was at my friend's house so I could *help her fix the remote*.

It was eleven thirty at night. I was across town. I was drinking. I was with friends. And she called, not to see how my day had gone, if I was okay, or to tell me good night. Instead it was; "I broke the remote. Can you remember how to set it."
"No, Mom."
"Well, you wrote down the code."
"I think it's in my school notebook in my bag on the red chair."
"Where in the red chair?"
"RIGHT ON TOP! If you can't find it, I can't help you. I'm not right there."

Tonight, SWMBK told me that had hurt her feelings.
"I feel like I was just inconveniencing you."
"You were. It was eleven thirty, I was drinking, I was with friends, and you wanted me to tell you about the stupid remote. OlderBrother was home. He could have Googled it for you. You have two kids."
"I know that."
"And it REALLY bothered me that you didn't call to say good night. You never do. You call when you WANT something. Something I can't even give you because I'm not even home!"

When I stayed with Mistah Jay at the dorms, I used to call her every night to see how her day was and tell her I loved her and good night. But she never does that for me.

She said that I've done things all winter to make her thing I'm mad at her. But she never brought them up at the time. I can't fix things unless she can tell me what I'm doing wrong. And I don't even think I'm doing things wrong! She DID admit to me that she obsesses over things and makes them into bigger issues.

I told her that when she has issues like this, she has tunnel vision (and right now it's Croc vision. She said she thought our issues went before him, I disagreed. My only issues with her have revolved around him!) so she doesn't see the whole picture. So when people say things, she takes it completely wrong, because she can't see EVERYTHING.

She agreed.

I also told her that a lot of my drama has been with Mistah Jay, and if I seem bothered, it really isn't her.

"And it breaks my heart. You're so upset without him, and I don't feel like you see what a beautiful, wonderful person you are." (But I thought I made you feel like a monster?)
"I know that. I'm just really unhappy without him. And I had a miscarriage in April."
"...You did?"
"Yeah."

Pretty much she took back every nasty thing she'd said in that fight when she saw me sobbing about Vivian, whom she referred to as 'It' and not 'your baby', which was bothersome. But she still took it better than what I thought she would.


She then asked why I wasn't currently on birth control. I said not sleeping with anyone was my current method of choice. 100% and all that. Then, this came out of her mouth;
"But what if you're out with your friends and you see someone and they're... You know... Cooking with gas!"

And that, my friends, ended the fight.

Money--What the Hell?

I forgot that people at college like to breathe on other people, and get their nasty sicky germs all over everything. And me!I am a germ magnet! The thing that's going around now is some sort of viral bronchitis. I'm not sure if I have it yet, though. Urgh.

September is a very expensive month or me. There are four birthdays that I need to buy for. And while none of the people I am buying things for asked for anything complicated or expensive, I'm still worried. I always get worried. What if they don't like what I give them!?!?

A couple months ago, a friend of mine had his birthday. I asked him what he wanted. (The usual answer between my friends is a CD, a book, a DVD, something like that. My favorite present to give is a chance to go shopping and out to a meal with me. Not because I'm so fabulous people are gifted with my time, but so we can have quality time together not at a party, all my attention is on them, they get to pick out their present so I know it is exactly what they wanted, and the meal is just what they wanted. I've had a couple friends tell me they really like it, especially because I do it after their birthday, so they know what they got or didn't get and can pick something they really wanted and didn't receive.)

"Money," he said. Money. He looked me dead in the face and asked me for money.

"I am NOT giving you money." I spat haughtily. He shrugged and said that was fine. Money! How could you ask for MONEY!

Maybe it's just because of the way I was raised. We weren't even allowed to ask for gift certificates (with the exception of the used bookstore). We were to give a detailed list of what we wanted to someone who ASKED for it. I hated it! I wish I could have just asked for money, it would have saved me *years* of ugly sweaters, ill fitting shoes, and age inappropriate toys.

You know, it seems like if you were going to ask for money, you'd ask your relatives, and not one of your friends. I don't even know why that bothered me so much! But my God, MONEY! I want MONEY.

Prick.

I didn't give him anything, by the way.

Pajama Hate-What the Hell?

I really like my pajamas. I have a bunch of soft, fuzzy bottoms, any number of huge, loose t-shirts, and even a couple silky, old fashioned nighties that are lined with flannel on the inside for those really cold winter nights.

Of course, some nights I'm sleeping in a tank top and undies. And some nights I collapse into my bed wearing dirty jeans and a t-shirt, because I was out and about too late, or I'm sick, or I'm not even at home and I don't carry a set of pajamas with me.

(Although that seems like a neat little product, doesn't it? Pajamas in a Ziploc. I could make it out of cheapie scrub material, one size fits no one, really. If I could manufacture this for five dollars, I'd sell it, buy a billion, and keep one in my purse at all times, as well as leaving a few at the places I'm likely to turn up randomly.... I digress.)

What strikes me as weird is hearing people say it's rude to wear pajamas out. What, really? Do you honestly think so? I don't understand why this is.

I wear my pajamas in public. If it's eleven thirty and I went to Meijer's because I HAD to have some toilet paper, or some medicine, or more likely because I really needed a pint of ice cream, you better believe I'm not getting out of my pajamas for that. If it's nine AM on a Sunday and I'm coming right back home to veg out on the couch with some Bam Margera DVDs, I'm not getting dressed just to go and snag the essential groceries.

I even wear my pajamas to class sometimes. Normally it's on the days when I've run a low grade fever, been exhausted and had no business being in class, but I needed to get some notes or take an exam. I wore them on the bus home too, leaning wearily against the window because I was tired. Or it's been on the days when I've had an early class and I'm taking a thirty minute exam and then I can beat it.

I've had people glare and roll their eyes. It's honestly perplexing to me. Does it really bother you to have to look at me in my pajamas for twenty minutes. They're not filthy, I've just been wearing them over night. What are you hating on? I'm coming in, grabbing my Hershey's bar and iced tea, and then I'm going home.

Why is it rude? I mean, I wouldn't wear them to say, a fancy restuarant or when I'm giving a presentation in class. But does it honestly matter if I'm wearing them any other time?

I think it's way worse when I see those girls in those crop tops with their boobs hanging out, and those short shorts that are showing me almost their ass crack. Or when I see boys with their pants hanging around their knees so I know the size, color, and brand of their boxers. (Hanes and Joe Boxer are particularly popular.) But somehow, this is more acceptable than pajamas?

What the hell?

Unschooling? What the Hell?

I recently heard of this thing called "unschooling".

So basically, how it works is--the kids don't go to school. I don't mean that they're homeschooled. I mean that they aren't formally educated.

"Now wait a minute!" I can hear you shouting. "Just wait a minute! A child doesn't NEED a formal education!"

And I agree with you. Really, I do. I don't think that EVERY child in the world needs to get up at six fifty, bolt down a Pop-Tart, drag themselves to the bus stop, ride to school, and sit at a desk from eight thirty to three thirty every day. I agree with you wholeheartedly that in and of itself, a formal education in that sense isn't the best idea for every child in the world.

But I also cannot believe that there are some people in the world who get up and say; "Know what? My child can learn perfectly well on their own."

The families that I have heard of that employ this method of education have no alarm clocks, had no bedtimes, typically allow their children to decide what's for dinner, and don't even make this children sit down to their workbooks to learn anything.

"They pursue what they're interested in! It works fabulously!" the mother's coo while the camera crew pans the house. The kids are bouncing off the walls, sitting up past midnight, eating cookies and fruit punch, and lolling on the floor babbling to themselves.

There are a good amount of them who can read, write, and do some simple math. But all I can think is; "What if they want more? How in the world are they going to support themselves?"

Maybe it's because I'm American, or maybe it's because I grew up dirt ass broke, but I don't understand how the vast majority of the population will be able to find employment that will, you know, make sure they can eat more than a packet of Ramen a day with a glass of tap water.

Yum yum.

And you know, I can see this working for older children. I went to school (which was a nontraditional school in and of itself) with some children who just did not do well in that sort of environment. They did better off on their own, studying at their own pace and reading what they wanted to....

But even they were homeschooled.

I mean, school doesn't just teach you how to count, how to read, or what year Chris Columbus sailed. School also teaches you how to get along with other kids, listen to instructions, sit still for more than twenty five seconds at a time, how to follow a schedule.

And these are tools that are needed in adult life! Does anyone else remember that one really awkward kid in school who was constantly interrupting? Do you remember how much you hated that kid? For the most part, I don't see unschooled kids being too much better. I mean, you can give me the whole "Weeeeeell, plaaaaaaygroooooups," line all you want. But when you get down to it, I really do think children need to learn how to function amongst their peers on their own.

Not that I like the minimal supervision that goes on in most schools, either. Go, go budget cuts. -.-