Livin' On A Prayer

Living on my own as been a mixed bag.

In one week, I started a new relationship, contracted a UTI, went to urgent care twice and the Emergency Room once, and was misdiagnosed twice. That was fun. Happily things have been sorted out.

I really like my new boy, Yon Faire Newcomer. A boy I met when I met Mistah Jay, who apparently wanted to ask me out. But Mistah Jay I guessed dibs'd me or something, and YFN pussied out. Point being, he called me up and asked me out, and to my surprise, I said yes.

I said yes to someone who is NOT Mistah Jay.

Anyway, YFN is fantastic. I couldn't have made it through this month without him. Could not. His family adores me.

It's finally what I wanted.

Anyway. Living with Bubby and his finacee is coming to an end. She Who Must Be Kept decided that she isn't making Croc leave, like she promised me. In her words, she had a choice between me and her, and she chose herself. She said Croc makes her a better person and is saving her.

I told her that if someone is "making" you a better person, you're doing it wrong. You should do those things or yourself. Another person can inspire you, but shouldn't be your motivation.

People are not good anchors.

So now I'm moving in with Rosie and her sister. For free.

But I just want to go home.

Baby, We're Bent Not Broken

I'm almost thirty minutes into the New Year. 2012.

I didn't think I'd make it this far.

I'm sitting in my best friend's apartment, The Boondock Saints on the television. I've been crying for ten minutes, at least.

Croc is coming back. This is a horrible idea for everyone involved, me, She Who Must Be Kept, Croc. He started to drive up here two days ago. SWMBK didn't tell me because she didn't want to upset me.

Oops. That worked well, huh?

When this was originally mentioned, he was supposed to stay two weeks. Now it will be longer than two weeks, but "hopefully" not longer than a month.

I told SWMBK that I am leaving.I cannot take living with him. I cannot. I don't have this kind of energy. I don't have it in me. I... I don't know what to do anymore.

Bubby and his fiancee had said I can live with them and pay a small rent fee. It is temporary. SWMBK promised. And she's paying my rent because she didn't think it was fair that she's bringing someone into my home that makes me so miserable. Miserable enough for me to leave.

"You don't have to go. I don't want you to go. Please try. Please try to live with him."

"Mom, every word out of his mouth is something negative and I don't need that."

"No no, I made him promise this time he'd be still!" You have to get him to promise to shut up. Yeah, he should sooo move in.

"No, that's not good enough. He has sooo many ideas about what I should do around the house, you know, in my abundance of free time because I don't work and go to school. But he never does anything. I'm fucking tired of coming home from standing on my feet for five hours, or sometimes for ten hours, and having him lay around on our couch. Why the hell is he so tired? What did he do all day?"

That was, of course, really unfair for me to say. Anyone can sleep whenever they want, really. Maybe he was tired because he is chronically ill. I don't know.

"I know, but it won't be like that this time."

"Yes, it will. He has problems everywhere he lives and he's sure it isn't him. Well, he's the common denominator! And it's all waaaah, my life is sad. Well, fuck, he needs to fix it and I don't want to hear about it."

"I just want you to try!"

"I tried it for six months."

"I knew you'd leave. I knew you were going to leave."

"Then why are you so surprised?"

"I just feel like you're abandoning me."

I don't want to leave. I don't. I want to stay there. My cats are there. My beloved BED is there. My sewing machine. My books. My mother. Everything. I want to stay there.

(How can I be leaving my cats? I am the worst Mommy ever.)

"I'm sorry. I'll pay the rent. I'm sorry. I'm the reason you're leaving."

The thing is, she SHOULD be able to have people move in if she wants. I'm the one with the problem. I should leave, I shouldn't make her change her life to suit me. We're both adults.

It's just...

I wanted her to pick me.

Just this one time.

Things I Don't Understand

I've noticed a new trend recently amongst my friends.

Blowing things off/flaking out.

Three times in three weeks it has happened to me, with one particular friend. On two occasions he was too tired to go out. I wasn't angry that he was tired. I was angry that once he never called to let me know what was going on.

The other occasion I hadn't invited him along. I had a game group with some other friends and he asked if he could come. I told him he'd have to ask the host of the game group, though I would like for him to come. So after asking, he decided about two minutes before I picked him up that he was too tired to go.

And I had to call him to figure that out! I HAD TO CALL TO FIGURE THAT OUT. I. HAD. TO. CALL. If someone is too tired to go somewhere, I think they know before two minutes before pick up. Like say, a half hour before.

Look, I don't deny that things come up. If someone got sick, that's fine. Please don't come along, rest and relax! If an emergency comes up, go and take care of it! Let me know what I can do to help you!

I don't think say, staying up all night to play DnD when you knew you had plans is an emergency. (This didn't happen to me, another friend.) I don't think that staying up to watch My Little Pony is an emergency. See what I mean here?

Am I weird? Is it common courtesy? What?

Surprisingly...

I've never gotten along too well with my father's mother. I don't fit her ideal of what a woman my age should be. My cousin does beauty pageants and is a cheerleader and gets decent grades.

I never did any of that stuff. I wrestled. I went to a charter school. I write novels. I play Dungeons and Dragons. I'm dorky and get good grades. She doesn't get it. And in a way, that's okay.

I usually HATE writing my Christmas list to her. She never gets me what I want. So the past couple years, I started being super general. I want pajamas, slippers, my favorite perfume, gloves, a scarf, and earmuffs.

Sometimes I want a generic black hoodie. Sometimes I want boots, but usually she'll just give me a gift card because she's worried about the pin in my foot and what I can wear.

This year, she bought me a FABULOUS fuzzy jammie set. WITH MATCHING SOCKS.

"Oh, I know you like pajamas. I wanted to get you the warmest, most comfortable pair I could find." Wow. Thanks! I said as soon as I come home from work I get dressed in pajamas. "You should. You're relaxing."

Also I'm a cold sleeper so these are awesome! AND THEY'RE RED. SHE REMEMBERED RED IS MY FAVORITE COLOR!!!

I opened my perfume. "I am so sorry! I forgot what kind you liked. I just knew it was purple and had to do with the moon or something." It was Twilight Woods. I like Moonlight Path, but this stuff smells close and I'm not bothered. Hell, she got me two bottles and two bottles of perfume!

"It's okay! I like this, too!"

"Well, you're allergic to stuff and if you can't wear it--."

"It'll be okay. Thank you!"

Then she was worried because my gloves didn't PERFECTLY match my earmuffs. They were pretty close, and I wasn't bothered! I thought they looked cuter that way. And the scarf she picked is beautiful.

And there's a problem with my financial aid right now. My grandmother whipped out an insurance policy she got on me when I was small and figured out how much I can borrow, and if all else fails, get on the payment plan, and then borrow against the policy. So I can finish.

And *this* was the biggest surprise.

"I've been talking to your dad. It really isn't fair that you're working and going to school and he's not helping." Well, it kind of is. I mean, I am an adult? I should have to do these things.
"So I told him he has to give you graduation money, because you really do need it. And you know what, if you need help paying for school, he's helping. I'll talk to him, because that's not fair. You're so close."

Well! Thanks Grandma!

Organically Expensively GOOD FOR YOU

I'm wondering how I really feel about this whole ORGANIC EVARYTHIIIIIIING movement that's going on.

I buy organic all natural bull shit for my skin. Why? Because my skin is a delicate fucking princess and can't stand a lot of stuff. I hate doing it most of the time, because shit's expensive. A bottle of facial cleanser cost me ten dollars. TEN DOLLARS! It wasn't a big bottle! I know a dab'll do ya, but good Lord.

I can't believe some of the prices they charge for organic stuff. I don't buy say, organic dish washing liquid (Dawn for me! From the discount store because it's like, two dollars cheaper there!) or laundry detergent (because vinegar and baking soda is cheaper and better for your machine/clothes). Most of the green/organic things I don't do because I'm a snob, I do it because I'm cheap.

I know someone who buys all the organic all natural stuff she can, because it's better for her and her daughter. That's awesome. I can't afford that. Why are the organic bananas a billion dollars more the regular, chemical laden bananas?

I've heard it has to do with production. They don't make as many bananas, so they have to charge more to make the same profit as the regular banana people. (Heh, regular. Like organic is abnormal!)

You know what though? I don't feel like most of the organic stuff works that much better than the regular stuff. I don't feel like organic fruit leather tastes different than the regular kind. I don't feel like organic bananas taste different. Organic meat tastes slightly different. Maybe I'm just uncultured, though.

Ho Ho Fucking Ho

I went Black Friday shopping. There were TONS of good deals, I saved LOADS of money, and I got all my shopping done. Or rather, that which wasn't being done via Internet is done.

I shopped for about fourteen hours. Two hours of that was a nap in the parking lot of Menard's. I begged for the nap, because we had been going since eight pm and I was exhausted.

I got three nose bleeds (I've been having nose bleeds lately. They're not terrible, just gross and irritating, especially in dance class). I almost fainted in Wal Mart. When I was done, lugging my bags into my house, all I could think was; "Everyone better fucking love me this year."

It was nice to be able to buy people nice things that I thought they'd really like. And don't get me wrong, there are some things that I bought for myself. I found Jackass 3 for ten dollars, and I got that. I found a twenty dollar beanie hat for five dollars, and I bought it. Ten dollar blanket for six dollars became mine, along with an extra firm side sleeper pillow. I hate sleeping with pillows because I'm a picky bitch, but this one seems decent.

I also got a brush for dry brushing and some hoity toity hypo allergenic all natural facial cleanser. I almost had a heart attack, I usually get my cosmetics for less than five dollars. Yay chemicals!

Anyhow, here are things I thought about while doing my stint in Consumerism Hell.

1. I hate buying presents for couples. They usually get you ONE present, and you either have to get them one really nice present, or two presents. No! There are TWO of you and ONE of me! I think we all should all get one decent present if we're even doing presents!

2. Godfuckingdammit, why is that people over thirty forget to stand in line? Suddenly there are people cutting and line jumping and arguing and pinning me into a six inch space with their carts because they REALLY wanna check out. Hi, I know kindergartners that know how to stand in line. Maybe we can have them come and give the rest of us a lesson! Likewise, sighing and tossing your hair and whining won't make the line go faster. Yes, it's a two hour line. Yes, it sucks. Yes, you want to go home. I do too!

3. Little kids have way more stamina than me. They can go all night and still be bouncing off the walls! I wish I had that energy still.

4. When you're desperate, anything is suddenly a good present.

5. When you come home sleep deprived and come home, suddenly you will realize that you have to store all this crap in your home until Christmas. December first is suddenly an amazing time to give presents!

6. Also you'll forget what you bought who.

7. Also, when finished shopping, you'll want a taco. And Taco Bell won't be open, which is why you'll take a nap at Menard's.

No Meijer, Five Dollars Won't Buy My Silence.

I bought an external hard drive last month. I had to send in my laptop to Toshiba to get a new battery. I bought the hard drive to back things up. And luck of luck! Meijer had a 2 TB! FOR EIGHTY DOLLARS!

You better believe I snatched the thing up. I got the last one! I bought the extended warranty because, well, why not, right? It can't hurt!

My hard drive, after a month of use, died. Would turn on, but not spin or actually do things a hard drive does. Gross, right?

Well thank God for that warranty! Because Western Digital, the company that made the product, couldn't replace it. They said Meijer could. Hooray!

Only Meijer said WD had to replace it. Well no, actually. You do. We were going to do an even exchange, only--my product doesn't exist anymore. Discontinued. Which was why it was on super sale to begin with, I suppose. If I'd known, I wouldn't have bought it, or I certainly wouldn't have bothered with a warranty. Strangely enough, there was still a sale tag and a place for it on the shelf...

A month later. We pointed out the tag was there. "Well sometimes they get busy." A month later? You're that busy?

The girl at the courtesy desk shrugged and said she'd refund us for the old HDD, but we'd have to cover the fifty three dollar increase in the new one. It's the same product, only with USB 3.0... But--my warranty? Oh well, that's actually not really theirs, you see. It's from a third party company. And well, they might send me a check or a gift card, but no, they wouldn't really replace my item.

So what was my warranty for? I mean, I was told when I purchased it, it would serve to replace my item. Only not? I guess? I'm confused.

I got the manager, who said he'd give the item at cost. Okay, cool? Oh but I'd have to REPURCHASE my warranty. Seriously. What? I did for reasons I can't understand, because it didn't help in the end. I had to pay forty dollars over my original price.

The manager scurried away after this while the girl at the counter haughtily told us they didn't HAVE to do this, so we should be happy. I'm happy I have to pay forty dollars more?

So, for whatever reason, I sought out more shopping. There were things on clearance that I thought might make good presents for several little kids I know. The items were on fifty five percent clearance, so of COURSE they were cheaper.

...And then they scanned incorrectly at the U-Scan. We went BACK to the service desk. We'd run into the manager again, and my mother made a comment to him about how old this was, and how we really didn't have much incentive to come back to the store. We were also told by the girl at the counter that we had run the U-Scan incorrectly. Oh, okay. Actually, one of the items refused to scan at all, so we had to get someone. The tags were bad. We mentioned that, and the girl goes; "Oh yeah, that happens. But you have to remember to scan the new tags." "...We did?" "Oh, then I don't know how that would happen."

Well, I don't either. I don't work here. But don't blame your tags being strange on me.

The manager sent a five dollar gift card to us via another employee who had nothing to do with it. I felt bad for the poor girl, because I was actually enraged. What are you doing, buying my silence? It didn't work, Meijer!

I sent in a complaint. Ugh. I know where I won't be doing any more of my shopping. I'd rather drive out to Wal-Mart across town than go there again. At least Wal-Mart tries to be helpful.